Tool Tales & Unlit Trails

Since maintenance is part of riding, by definition good quality tooling makes routine jobs more pleasurable, whether adjusting the fixer’s chain tension, tweaking headset bearings or performing full-on post winter strip n’ rebuilds. However, savvy purchasing ensures maximum bang for reasonable buck. 

A decent folding workstand, wire snips, pliers, T-handle Allen keys, floor pump, tyre levers, engineers’ mallet, ring spanners, torque wrench, chain breaker and component specific equipment covers most eventualities.

Chemical assistance including biodegradable bike wash, generic maintenance and penetrant release sprays (for exorcising really stubborn/corroded parts) coupled with composite friendly greases and season specific chain lubes keep most fleets happy all year round. 

Caustic soda crystals are cheap as chips, great for cleaning blocked sinks and present the final solution when evicting sitting tenant seatposts lodged firmly in steel frames.However, it’s nasty stuff, so use outside wearing goggles, rubber gloves and cover all exposed areas of skin. 

Semi-pro headset presses and drop out realignment tooling is similarly handy, saving a trip to the bike shop when performing straightforward installations or following nasty trysts with terra firma. Entrepreneurial types could rapidly recoup their investment by charging friendly associates for such services.   

That said; much as I love watching learned sorcerers working their magic with thin walled ferrous metals, oxyacetylene kits and frame jigs aren’t prudent purchases, no matter what our egos say. Even if “re-shoring” (Where jobs return to their host nation as rising wages/living standards in poorer countries makes them less appealing) evolves from buzzword into a full-blown phenomenon, being able to blast tubing together does not maketh a small-scale frame builder.  

Genuine craftspeople will, to some extent always be in demand but while many romanticise such, few seem prepared to bear the costs. I know of a few coachbuilders charging a very modest £35per hour for their services, which is extremely reasonable when overheads are factored into the equation. However, consumers wooed by classic cars often struggle to comprehend the time involved and therefore, cost implications in reconstructing panels and similarly extensive repair.

Meanwhile, back at the tool board, even those with two-wheeled harems will seldom replace sealed cartridge bottom brackets, cassettes or indeed fixed sprockets more than several times in a given year. Therefore, there’s a strong argument favouring budget tools such as these from Lifeline. Both are fashioned from heat treated steel, offer sensible leverage and are neatly finished in a hardy satin black powder coat with serrated, medium density rubberised sleeves for comfort and control.

Now, I don’t write advertorials-thinly veiled marketing copy masquerading as critically evaluative/informative journalism (do terms such as “prosumer” ring any bells?), hence will confirm they lack the outright precision of premium grade, CNC machined examples but are accurate within acceptable tolerances and perform their respective tasks with suitable aplomb.

Generous integral handles certainly improve matters since slight mismatches are often amplified when deployed using large adjustable wrenches. Precautionary blasts of penetrant spray prior to extraction also assist and speed home very smoothly with sensible helpings of synthetic/marine greases.

Lithium preps are cheap, stout and offer decent lubricant properties. Alas, while a great choice for traditional bearings, its super hostile to rubberised components and encourages galvanic fusion between different metals. Fixed sprockets on daily drivers/winter trainers are a case in point; wrung torturously tight by beefy drivetrains and rider effort, subjected to a cocktail of slimy, salt strewn water little wonder they develop an incredibly stubborn union.

I’m prone to substituting grease for wet lubes when assembling stuff, bottle/stem/carrier fasteners being particular favourites, although this improvisation proved truly impotent-flushed away in the course of a relatively bog standard British winter. Changing ratios for balmier conditions proved a major operation several months later, thus and without exception, my sprockets are generously basted in marine/polymer grease during installation.

While the evenings are definitely getting lighter, there’s still a need for lighting and I’ve been seriously impressed by Silva trail speed elite, which might sound tame at 660lumens but is anything but. This is largely down to the marque’s system of “intelligent light”, which is a clever, simultaneous deployment of flood and spot beams in all but the lowest settings, casting a phenomenal arc without losing the detail.

Run times are pretty much on par with many 1000lumen systems, though quality of light is arguably superior, proving that optics is often more significant than numbers alone. On that note, I’m off with my trusty workhorse SLR to commence a portraiture project, so will leave you with some very fetching “Gios” blue two pac and purple powder coat effects.

Time Travelling

Having headed to London’s High Holborn this week for a meeting with fellow collaborators, I arrived to find our rendezvous closed and my bladder on the brink of explosion. With no public conveniences in sight, lateral thought had me scanning for back alleys and similar points of discrete, dignified urination. An abundance of CCTV persuaded me otherwise and to seek the guidance of a policeman on horseback, who it transpired was Dutch and unfamiliar with this particular locale’…

Taking a few shots of parked fixers in attempt to distract myself from this most pressing matter, an oasis appeared in the guise of a green site toilet stationed but two metres from a derelict office block. Keeping a watchful eye for site foremen and others who might thwart said mission, I hopped the barrier and tried its door. Words cannot do justice to the euphoric relief that followed and I returned to find the Princess Louise open and my colleagues there to welcome me.

Unlike many older London pubs, this one is an immaculately preserved homage to the late 1960s, right down to the toilets’ glazed tiles, stained glass doors and sparkling porcelain facilities. Two hours hence, business concluded and action plans established, we arranged to reconvene with progress updates in two weeks before heading in our respective directions. Temptation was to make the very most of my travel card and document derelict/abandoned buildings but I’d only my compact camera to hand and forging ahead with our venture was time better spent.

Continuing the urban theme, Foffa’s minimalist hub geared build has been inducing plenty of cheer. Seven evenly spaced ratios (245% efficiency) easily trump old fashioned ten speed derailleur set-ups delivering sufficient clout in moderate conditions whether hammering full pelt into rural descents or navigating stop-start town centre traffic with a trailer en-tow. Admittedly, its loftier Alfine cousin boasts 307% efficiency and roller clutches, thus my choice for longer excursions and more challenging terrain.

That said; less glamorous components remain better bets for daily drivers that can spend several hours shackled to street furniture. Talking of which, thus far, the wet spray enamel is holding up very nicely, though were it my machine, I’d be inclined toward mummifying its top tube under offcuts of old butyl to prevent accidental damage. Going to see what the next three weeks, three hundred miles service reveal before forming any absolute conclusions though.

     

Elsewhere, those Keo pattern Wellgo R096B remain likeable contact points. On the one hand this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise given the Taiwanese giant makes pedals for a wealth of other marques but build quality seems a notch or so higher than some famous names’ entry level offerings.

Despite prolific dis/engagement in slow moving rush hour traffic, the R096’s painted aluminium bodies remain unblemished, save for some trace swirling. Contrary to popular misconception, when properly applied, powder coating doesn’t flake or peel but aluminium alloy can be chemically stripped and left bare to coincide with annual servicing unlike magnesium exotica, which much prefers paint. 

B in this instance denotes sealed needle roller, as distinct from ball bearings. Lore suggests these can be left to their own devices, though ours benefitted from being striped and repacked with White lightning’s “Crystal” grease. Some infer bearing life is rather shorter than several premium brands-not my experience having run various models on and sans asphalt for a decade or so but then powerfully built 90 kilo riders and/or those unable to resist jet washing should bear this in mind.

Cleat life seems on par with other Keo patterns and red (9.5 degree float) come supplied, although seasoned types with stronger joints may want to skip straight to grey. Either way, consumables are cheap, plentiful and easily acquired. Composite bodied Look models can be found floating around in cyberspace at ludicrously tempting price. I’ve used them to good effect in these contexts but nasty tumbles can spell their end.

     

Cockpit Viagra

Having decided on the oversized route and acquired those 31.8 Midge; serendipity took charge and presented a compatible 17degree matt black On-One stem. Admittedly, its 90 rather than 80mm but this discrepancy was easily addressed by shuffling the saddle forward, improving comfort on longer runs without denting acceleration or seated climbing prowess. Accessing said steeds’ unbranded ti post bolts proved nigh on impossible using standard pocket tools. Salvation arrived in the guise of this Z shaped giveaway unit, so beloved of flat pack furniture, which has since become a wedge pack staple on account of its prowess in awkward spaces.

Reclaiming that Spa Cycles leather handlebar wrap was another concern given the adhesive backing hadn’t aged particularly gracefully. However, even tension and a lick of electrical tape proved similarly successful. Net effect, £35 and one hour’s reprieve from business planning well spent. Wrap and lighting systems repatriated, rain of biblical proportions couldn’t dampen my enthusiasm for a fifteen mile blast. Swinging a leg over the Ilpompino’s semi sloping top tube, it took but a matter of minutes to fully appreciate the benefits of a stiffer cockpit.

While far from blancmange like, the front end now tracks beautifully, especially performing those last minute swerves around gaping potholes, opening car doors, rabid dogs, errant pedestrians and similar hazards. This rigidity enables rider effort to be poured into maintaining momentum-perfect for cantering gazelle fashion along those deceptively steep climbs when turning taller gears, powering away from the lights or demon descending. Fatigue inducing low-level vibration’s a moot point, tempered perfectly by those sensibly raked composite ITM blades.    

Thanks to their shallow drop and prodigious width, Midge lend themselves handsomely to geared ‘cross builds and mountain bike conversions too, the smaller diameter allowing effortless transplant of pre-existing thumb shifters/sti controls. Tempted? Well, Tektro produces a comprehensive, wallet friendly range of shapely aero levers catering for cantilever, linear pull and cable operated discs. Oh and unless intended recipients sport an old school quill unit; you’ll also need a loftier 25/30 degree stem.

Winter prompts more frequent post ride fettling, if only to flush away that corrosive cocktail of accumulated salt/grit with cold water. Timely then, that Green Oil’s third generation eco-sponge should land on my test bench. I’ve always been a big fan of the Brixton based brand’s range of blisteringly effective, yet genuinely planet friendly lubricant/cleaning goodies. Previous incarnations also hailed from the Philippines but their original texture proved abrasive, wounding thinner lacquers and leaving unsightly swirls in thinner/flamboyant enamels. Taking heed, Green oil has encased the matted Luffa “sponge” within a recycled cotton pillow  

Not only does this version promise to cleanse filthy steeds, they reckon it’s great for waxing/buffing duties too. Well, since proof of said product lies in the polishing, I’ll put ours through its paces on a wealth of different surfaces and provide more informed feedback several weeks hence. 

Continuing the new arrivals theme, I’ve just taken delivery of this Nexus geared flat bar Foffa Urban. More commonly associated with the fixed gear scene; it’s an interesting kettle of fish with a host of contradictions. Sneaking past 13kilos and commanding the lion’s share of £500, it’s based around an entry level Cro-moly frameset, which should resist accidental denting better than thin wall exotica. Welds are a little workmanlike in places perhaps but uniform and extremely unlikely to fail. Closer inspection reveals a properly reamed seat tube and clean bottle screws, which is heartening.

That said; internal cable guides might look minimalist, yet serve as a conduit to corrosion and there are several peculiarities reminiscent of small scale British marques twenty five years back-seatstays sporting carrier mounts but ends bereft of eyelets anyone? Then again, a 7 speed Nexus hub gives sufficient scope for commutes exceeding city limits, while keeping maintenance minimal, plain Jane components ensure it stops, goes and handles in good proportion without luring the light fingered…Let’s see what the next 500miles have in store…

    

Mixing it Up

2014 continues with determined pragmatism, seeing professional restructuring of my various CVs, a much greater grasp of self- promotion and striving for new commissions/ventures plugging the gap left by a publication’s virtual implosion. Said approach has already reaped rewards but needs further, intensive nurturing, especially since I’m keen to explore other creative avenues, running them in parallel to cycling specific journalism.

Competence, integrity and professionalism are three (of many) values dear to yours truly, hence disappointment when others cannot reciprocate. For example, I care whether something works, how closely it achieves its objective/design brief and experience suggests most manufacturers appreciate constructive, critical evaluation.

While not an “engineer” in the classically accepted sense, hailing from a manufacturing past means I take a keen interest in metallurgy/fabrication, pure and applied. Late night surfing induced impulsive purchase of titanium tubing from a supplier in South East Asia. However, said wonder metal will require minor machining. Lee Cooper and Justin Burls were obvious, extremely helpful first ports of call, though unable to undertake such on this occasion.

Laughably, a few local “machine shops” were either completely ignorant to customer service and/or anything beyond mild steel! Heading out for a chat with Trevor Lodge at Maldon Shot blasting & powder coating proved the most fruitful enquiry and allowed me to document the resurrection of this tarnished 531 frameset. There’s no denying decorative chromium plating’s aesthetic allure but in my book, acid baths and similarly harsh processes have no place on thin walled bicycle tubing. Thankfully blasting confirmed only superficial corrosion, hence it’s rebirth this chrome-effect powder with acrylic lacquer topcoat.

Staying on an industrial thread, much has been made of the likelihood of large scale manufacturing returning to these shores. Arguably as standards of living/costs increase in the Far East, outsourcing becomes less attractive. However, while call-centres and similar service based sectors are easily repatriated, I am less convinced this applies so readily to manufacturing’s sharp end. My own research suggests there remains a wealth of highly skilled technical grade craftspeople whose have transferred seamlessly between industries and with minor retraining.

Others saw opportunities within teaching or pursued their trades solo as self-employed entities. On the flip side, I remain sceptical that semi/unskilled assembly line roles will return in significant number. Senior managers at Ford’s now defunct Dagenham body plant remarked some twenty years ago that (contrary to endearing misconception) the average local school leaver would have “A cat’s chance in hell” of being considered for the most menial jobs. Similarly, Peugeot’s Ryton plant was the most productive within Europe but transferring production to Slovakia in 2006 appears to have been instigated by simple cost- of- labour economics...  

Back in the saddle and with January fading into February, flooded, silty roads have been licking chains bone dry in a matter of rides, demanding reintroduction of more sophisticated, “little goes a long way, anti-fling but not too syrupy” wet formulas – in this instance Muc-Off’s imaginatively but appropriately christened “wet lube” which leaves the spout as a washed out blue before assuming a clear, tacky consistency. Grit and similarly foreign bodies put in occasional appearances but there's no hint of it becoming a tenacious, transmission chewing mess. Older motor oils are another cost-conscious option, though modern semi/synthetics designed to  regenerate while orbiting an engine's oil pump make poor transition to chain duties.    

These biblical conditions also explain why my tubby tourer is presently assuming primary test-rig service and sporting Keo pattern Wellgo RO96B pedals (Another catchy name ;)).These wallet friendly powder coated aluminium bodied units turn on CNC machined Cro-moly axles with B denoting needle roller, as distinct from ball bearings and a £3 cost implication over their RO96 siblings.  

On paper my Ilpompino is a more obvious host, especially far from the madding crowd, though I still prefer the outright convenience of dual sided systems on fixed gear builds. Speaking of said steed, some oversized Midge flew under my radar; this time in very fetching anodised titanium but Murphy’s Law dictates the Sheffield marque’s all out of 17degree, 80mm stems. Ever resourceful, I’ve put word out while exploring comparable, budget conscious alternatives online.   

Once again, the Univega sports Schwalbe Winter for improved traction, simultaneously prompting fitment of Axiom’s Journey DLX disc compatible front pannier rack. Perhaps not a completely novel concept, the latter is nicer to fit and shares the same hollow 10.2mm T6 6061 aluminium rod as its rear counterpart. We’ve not come close to bluff calling territory load-wise (reckoned to be thirty kilo- close to that boasted by Bob Yak homages!) but things seem decidedly favourable thus far.    

Joined Up Thinking

January is usually a slow month, though no excuse for coasting. Having chased a few leads, sourced products and responded to an aspiring model’s photographic request, I headed out for some serious reflection. Speeding through the winter sunlight, alert to black ice skulking beneath a thick, steaming carpet of freshly lain equine arse fruit, I contemplated braking.

Temptation to remove the Ilpompino’s rear stopper has been tempered by memories of my worn shoe cleat disengaging while hurtling down one of Surrey’s delightful 1 in 4s…One thing lead to another culminating in a barrage of ill-timed profanity as we passed a convoy of well-heeled grand/parents herding little henry/etta’s into awaiting Lexus, BMW and elderly Mercedes…

Six years and several thousand miles hence, I’m still inclined to leave this configuration completely stock given the left lever’s a convenient resting point/means of carrying a spare cable. Then of course there’s the occasional trailer coupling, necessitating a little extra prowess than afforded by cantilever and transmission alone. However, while perfectly capable of hauling Moto Guzzi motorcycle clutches fully home, I am right hand dominant and see no reason why people with reduced dexterity shouldn’t enjoy equal standards of performance/safety.

At £35 Dia Compe’s Siamese 287(T denoting tandem) seems an obvious choice, the left substituted for a composite stoker unit, shaving unwanted weight and overcoming chatter while providing useful parking for my corresponding palm. The Flat bar faithful are similarly well served by its Tech 77 siblings; although both are non-starters with integrated Sti/Ergo systems.

Mercifully Problem Solvers offer an aesthetically pleasing, CNC machined cable doubler for a very reasonable £20, though as the ride progressed I became convinced there must be a thrifty, discrete and moreover bodge free alternative… Said Eureka moment arrived in the cry of “Clutch cable junction box!!!” while overtaking a sports moped at 29mph. Perhaps unsurprisingly its pilot took such as a challenge, though no amount of wheel sucking could save his blushes.

Taking full advantage of a lofty, eighty one inch gear, I entered the descent, nudging 108rpm and 37mph. Windblast had long since muted the unmistakable two-stroke banshee howl, replaced by thoughts of upgrading the Ilpompino’s OEM 25.4 diameter cockpit in favour of its oversized and theoretically stiffer successor.

Twelve chill but uneventful miles later man and machine were safely ensconced, one rewarded with a few shots of PTFE maintenance spray, the other diesel strength coffee while purchasing this NOS (New Old Stock) Yamaha unit on ebay for the sum of £3. Now, my next project necessitates an illustrator who’ll bring some visual pizazz to my series of children’s stories, oh and best I procure a wheel jig to tame the effects of worsening local infrastructure (!)   

Michael's Marvelous Frame Medicine

“Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax and your father’s still perfecting ways of making ceiling wax”; I crooned while stirring a cauldron of highly flammable, magnolia broth. Aside from an impromptu deep clean of one’s domicile, last weeks’ somewhat comical bath tub capers prompted me to revisit my corrosion busting elixir first perfected some two decades back during the penultimate year of my degree.

Monty python-esque detonation of my improvised distillery (induced by a passer-by carelessly discarding their cigarette end) and subsequent mirth were to be avoided at all costs, so raw materials were decanted safely away from unidentifiable flying embers/similar sources of ignition. Ninety minutes hence, my 5 litre tub was sealed shut and left resting in a cool, dry, secure location.   

This latest, sprayable formula is characterised by higher solvent content, hastening circulation, coverage and therefore, protection of thin walled tubing. Doubting Thomas’s will scoff, asserting they’ve ridden their ferrous friends across the seven seas without faintest freckling but just as smoking tobacco doesn’t induce terminal cancer by default, prevention is much better, nay cheaper than cure-especially in coastal regions.

Talking of coastal, Harwich based frame builder, Justin Burls has been in touch, enticing me to come and play with his new mini velo. Until recently these have been something of a Japanese phenomenon but are slowly finding favour in densely populated cities on account of their size and subsequent manoeuvrability in slow moving, sardine-esque traffic.

Small (20 inch) wheels continue the compact, whippet-fast theme, enabling swift getaways, while theoretically ensuring said steeds store unobtrusively in the most bijous abodes. However, these are fixed, as distinct from folding framesets with otherwise classic road geometry.  

Justin has opted for Reynolds’ venerable 525, a justly popular tubeset loosely on par with 531 but capable of withstanding modern TIG welded construction methods. Conversely, it boasts a lugged n’ brazed seat tube, slightly reminiscent of Raleigh’s bonded Dynatec series. Elsewhere, we’ve a very contemporary 11/8^th head tube, full carbon fork and Sram Rival groupset keeping things competitive. Proof of the concept’s virtue lies in credible mileage, hence I’ll reserve judgement while remaining suitably intrigued until such opportunity presents.

Disc brakes, both hydraulic and mechanical have been standard issue in mountain bike circles for fifteen years, though mass produced, compatible racks have often seemed comparatively poor relations payload-wise. However, their increased prevalence within utility and expedition/touring markets is forcing manufacturers to respond ingeniously. 

Axiom continues to impress me with innovative, user friendly design and their Journey MK3, with colossal 50kilo payload is probably the easiest I’ve installed to date. Much of this stems from nicely engineered, interchangeable adjustable feet that accommodate most frame configurations, including those with sportier chainstays and/or sans eyelets, which often translates into heel clearance hassles with larger, expedition type panniers. 

Most tour ready models employ two-tier design, improving centre of gravity while calming neighbourly disputes with rack bags. Ours was the T6 6061 aluminium version dressed in tasteful satin black epoxy powder coat but there’s a Cro-moly sibling boasting identical, elephant ferrying capacity. Figures of this magnitude are based upon belt n’ braces four (as distinct from three) point mounting, so I’d be inclined toward a low slung mono-wheel trailer in this latter context, should one’s burden exceed twenty-five.

Given the right variables, fatigue will eventually claim any rack, although aluminium alloys succumb faster than steel. Therefore, minimise, or better still; avoid laying bikes down on their luggage and while warrantees are cold comfort should breakage strike, overloading, abuse or indeed modification risks voiding them…Having said this, something of a perpetual fettler, I have no qualms about adapting products once their warrantee period elapses, so long as such is safe and delivers genuine improvement.

Another endearing misconception is that of the developing world artisan- roadside sorcerers capable of seemingly effortless frame/carrier reunification.While theoretically easier to fix distressed Cro-moly, the sort of temperatures involved in automotive/agricultural contexts is ruinous to wafer thin walled 4130, inducing spontaneous collapse of brazed/silver soldered examples. Thus, sweeping statements about steel being repairable virtually anywhere teeter on urban myth.

Thorough product evaluation shouldn’t be confused with wanton vandalism; rather I (and many others) am concerned with how something performs according to design brief, intended purpose and of course, price. Occasionally products do fail but just as twenty minutes turbo trainer slavery cannot determine bib short/insert quality, taking a belt sander to the crotch in attempt to assess abrasion resistance in the event of a nasty spill is equally spurious.

Holdsworth...The Photo Love-Story Concludes

Having meandered back from the midlands, I spent two days contemplating life, the universe and subsequent moves from the Ilpompino’s recently moulded leather perch. Persistent, near vertical climbs also had me pondering the wisdom of an 81 inch gear. Hardly certifiable but something between 72 and 76 is nearer the mark for tarmac, 63 sans asphalt-not that I’ve taken this route on said beast for several years.

Sharing obvious similarities with IRO’s now seemingly defunct “Rob Roy”; describing these as “cross mounts with track ends” is a bit over simplistic, since their loftier centres of gravity require nimbler reflexes through more technical sections compared with a standard, geared mount. Not that plummeting temperatures haven’t presented their own challenges, potholes breeding at an alarming rate and many lanes under a thick, frosty blanket, dotted with black ice.

Fixed is ideal for these contexts, since it allows the rider to hold off against the cranks, slowing the rear wheel by very subtle increments, especially in situations where engaging one’s front brake would induce a skid and subsequent painful face-plant or broken collar bone. 

Muc-off’s CF3 dry lube continues to impress with its serene tenacity and relative cleanliness, making wheel swaps and puncture purging less socially awkward. Miles per application remains a consistent 175, even through soggy stuff, although enduro’s old guard are better served by wet ceramics and cleat mechanisms seem happier with heavy-duty Teflon/PTFE sprays.

Back in the comfort of my kitchen with warmth, running water and hot beverages in seamless supply, I commenced the final stages of the Holdsworth’s reincarnation. Contrary and unpredictable aren’t adjectives usually applied to yours truly but once again, the script changed on account of the front Halo hoop’s powder coated sidewalls being inappropriate braking surfaces.

Six layers of budget electrical tape later those Miche Xpress were dressed in 23mm Specialized rubber, axles treated to a precautionary lick of crystal grease to prevent unnecessary chafing of frame ends. Diagnostics and planning complete, even the most minimal builds can present unexpected challenges. Exit stage left my trusty workshop chain splitter, choosing this crucial moment to shoot its drive pin uselessly across the tiled floor and into oblivion!

Luckily, my Axiom compact multi tool exceeded all expectations, joining ends in matrimony with incredible finesse, leaving me to drizzle some CF3 dry into its parched links before taking right magnesium Keo homage in hand and cranking things over. Awestruck at the transmissions’ refinement, I repeated this several times before introducing a quick squirt of heavy duty Teflon prep to cleat and dual pivot brake mechanisms. Cable pruning complete, I sealed its end with superglue and tweaked Tri-Bars for more ergonomic effect.

Earlier foraging unearthed this colour coordinated, albeit elementary KNOG NERD computer and pattern spoke magnet. The head unit was calibrated to 700x35, demanding twenty minutes and an online memory jog. Ordinarily, chain tugs are derigueur, the fixed equivalent of cuff-links but these otherwise exquisite NJS stamped MKS offerings were redundant since chain length dictated the wheel slotted fully home. Project complete, he can resume hibernation until spring, leaving me to focus on commissions, deadlines and related matters. 

Home-brew kits are evocative of 1970’s middle-aged suburban men with dubious taste in jumpers and facial hair. Ironic then that one’s sibling felt this nostalgic staple a fitting yuletide gift.  Recalling one or two unfortunate, shag pile ruining detonations (induced, we think by over-zealous mixing/fermentation misadventure) I commenced proceedings from the safety of my bath tub, observing measures with religious precision. 

Decanting everything sequentially, stirring as instructed, I resumed interludes of pronounced creativity/inspiration. This serenity was rudely interrupted two hours hence by a sudden, unnerving hiss. Dashing to the bathroom, I was confronted by a torrent of partially fermented brown fluid spurting uncontrollably from the exploded valve tap.

Keen to avert that notorious scene from “The Shining” where water cascades uncontrollably through the hotel’s corridors, I grasped numerous PET bottles and averted certain “cascading through the ceiling” disaster. Said receptacles can remain safely ensconced in a quiet corner, while I pursue some business leads and steal a march on 2014.